Trying to move on
by X-identaty
Summary: What if things went different after sanctuary season 1. BTVS crossover , first part of The trial is up . please read and review
1. Chapter one

Title: Trying to move on. Author: x _ identity Disclaimer: Don't own a thing. A/N: I was recently watching first season of Angel episode with Faith, and where Buffy tells Angel how she moved on, that she has a bf she can trust .Did anyone else feel like making Buffy look like a bleeding pulp. I know I sure did, I mean she must of know it was going to hurt him. I was pissed of the way things went after that. , So this idea has been bugging me for a very long time, and so finally I decided tom put it on paper. Hope you like. Please review.  
  
A/ N 2: I should mention before u read the story that Episode war zone in my universe already happened, which means Angel already met gun, Also in my world When Doyle past on his visions to Cordelia, the power that be also gave her the powers to see into the hearts of things, and to make my story work she is able to share her vision with someone who has strong magical connection. Well I am goanna stop boring you with facts so you go on read and don't forget to review!!! Please!!!  
  
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Cordelia was sitting by her desk , having her one way conversation with Wesley . Its been few weeks since Faith and Buffy drama , and things at Angel investigation just didn't seem to return to normal .  
  
" I mean I just don't get it .Now every time Buffy comes to town he is goanna, become brooding boy , I mean it was just becoming normal again from her last visit ,which made Angel to brood for days -week s- well ok that time he had a reason too , But I mean I kind of thought he dealt with that issue " Cordelia complained to Wesley .  
  
" Well " said Wesley " I guess seeing her again brought up what he thought was long gone."  
  
Cordelia signed in frustration .She hated that buffy had such an effect on Angel. Past month she and Angel became very close, and she hated to see him hurt. " I know all that Wesley, but have you seen what his apartment looks like, there are hundred of open books every where , floor , sofa , chairs ,tables everywhere , pieces of paper scattered every where you look . I mean what's that about. Plus he barely comes up here. The only reason he comes up is to ask if I had a vision or if we had a new case, the rest of the time he either down in his bat cave or somewhere not here " Cordelia voiced her worries, and now that Wesley thought about it, it made since, All Cordelia said was true. And she wasn't the only one who was beginning to be very worried .  
  
" You know Cor.." Wesley never got to finish his sentence as Cordelia, grabbed her head in pain .  
  
~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~  
  
Cordelia could feel a vision coming only this time, she didn't see images, it was like she was observing something , something that happened in the past . And then she lost her train of thought as vision hit her full force .  
  
(Scene from sanctuary) Buffy and Angel were standing in a hallway, facing each other.  
  
" Do you have any idea what it was like for me to see you with her? . That you would go behind my back ." Buffy was saying, but she was cut off by Angel. " Buffy, this wasn't about you. This was about saving someone's soul (Faith). That's what I do here, and you are not part of it. That was your idea remember, we stay away from each other "  
  
" I came here because I thought you were in danger" Buffy told him.  
  
" I'm in dander everyday, you came because of Faith. You were looking for vengeance" Angel answered her back.  
  
" I have a right to it " Said Buffy not denying what Angel said.  
  
" Not in my city " was all Angel said. After few minutes of clearly making a decision Buffy said " I have someone in my life now. someone that I love. Its not what you and I had, it very new " Buffy took a step closer to Angel making sure he hears her " You know what makes it new?" she asked " I trust him , I know him" answering her own question. It was clear that she implied that she didn't trust Angel.  
  
Angel finally looked her in the eyes " That's great. It nice." You could hear pain in his voice " You moved on. I cant. You found some one new I'm not allowed to remember, " With every word his voice became higher "I see you again and it cuts me up inside. And the person I share that, is me. You don't know me anymore, so don't come here with your great new life and expect e to do things your way. Go home"  
  
~ # ~ # ~ # ~ #  
  
Suddenly Cordelia was back to reality she didn't know how or why but she knew that she just had a vision of Buffys and Angel's last conversation. She could feel Angels pain , frustration , hurt . She couldn't believe Buffy would say something, that she knew would hurt Angel deeply, only Cordelia knew that it hurt hi so much more. He gave up his life for her, and ok so maybe Buffy didn't remember it, but Angel did. In that moment Cordelia felt pure anger rise inside her toward the slayer, how dare she say something like that to him , come to his city and talk to him like that .~ Bitch~ Cordelia thought not realizing she said it out loud until she heard Wesley ask " What "  
  
Cordelia opened her eyes to see very concerned Wesley. She shook her head and said " Don't worry it wasn't some one in danger needs saving vision, " Wesley looked confused but Cordelia didn't give him time to question anything." She stood up and said " Can you answer the phones for me there is certain vampire I need to talk too"  
  
And with that she went downstairs to have heart to heart with her best friend now that she knew exactly what was wrong.  
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So do you like? Please review. The more reviews the sooner updates. Please review so I know you want me to continue.  
  
In this story you can expect many many surprises.  
  
Bye . 


	2. Chapter two

A /N: Before I forget Wesley is working on translating the shanshu.  
  
Chapter One.  
  
When Cordelia came down the stairs, she found Angel, reading one of his old huge musty books.  
  
" What do you want Cordy?" asked Angel not bothering to look up from his book.  
  
" Talk" she answered " About what happened between you and Buffy, and why you are behaving the way you are." Cordelia decided not to tell him yet, that she knew, what happened between him and Buffy, but she knew she had to get him to talk himself. Plus she didn't miss the way his whole body tensed when she said Buffy's name .  
  
~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~  
  
Damn, thought Angel, he so didn't want to talk about her. He had more important things to do.  
  
" Cordy, if you haven't noticed I'm a bit busy at the moment we can talk later" Angel answered hoping she would drop the subject. Then again this was Cordelia and he knew better than that .  
  
" Oh no you don't mister, I want to know what happened, and why do you spent most of your time down here, with all of this books , and while we're on the subject why does your apartment look like this" She told Angel , not so gently .  
  
Angel knew that sooner or later he would have to tell her And Wesley that he was working on the spell to bind his soul to him. Permanently. Since Buffy left it became his mission, his goal. He knew that if he told them, his friends would support him, help him, but hew himself wasn't sure if it could be done at first. SO he decided not to tell them anything until he had the solution.  
Ever since Buffy left L.A their last conversation, kept repeating it self over and over in his head , and every time it hurt all over again , Like someone was ripping out his heart .  
  
(Buffy) I have someone in my life now. That I love. It's not what you and I had. It's very new; you know what makes it knew I trust him. I know him .  
  
When Cordelia saw the look in Angels eyes , the hurt the pain ,, she instantly , knew he was remembering , what she saw in the vision .  
  
" You know I just worry about you , when you shut yourself out . Angel please tell me what's going on" Cordelia asked him in more gentle, voice .  
  
Angel looked at her eyes and so that she pleading, so he decided there was no reason he couldn't tell her about the curse .  
  
" The curse , I'm researching a way to make my soul permanent" he looked to see how she took the news and saw clearly surprise on her face .  
  
" Wow " she said, after she got herself thinking again she asked although she already had an idea " what made you research it now ?" she asked  
  
' Angel looked away and said " Nothing. I just thought it would be safer if my soul was bound , that way Angelus can never come out ever again."  
  
Cordelia nodded " That has a part in it, but there is something else. I mean why all the sudden?"\ " Its nothing," said Angel. " Liar" answered Cordy. Angel looked at her wondering what she wanted from him , he told her why he was acting the way he was past couple of weeks . he desperately wanted to know what she wanted from him . so he asked  
" Cordelia , what do you want from me?" asked Angel " You wanted to know what I was researching , I told you " not yelling but not so quit either .  
  
" I want you to tell me why you suddenly want to make your soul permanent, and Why didn't you tell Wesley and me ?" Cordelia asked her voice on the same level as his . " I told you that already" said Angel becoming annoyed . " And you lied , Angel I know you did . Do you want to make your soul permanent because of what buffy said to you about how she has a boyfriend." She yelled at him , not even thinking what she was saying ,until she said it , and by looking at Nagel face she knew that she had to tell him the truth .  
  
So what do you think ? Please review . next Chapter explanations , spells , shocking news and much more . Did I mention review . Bye 


	3. Chapter three

Hi. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, (Imzadi, ZaraValinor, Tariq, and Mia) it means a lot. I just want to say that I may not have opportunity to update daily, since school year started, and you know the usual, but I will try my best. I will try to update every two three days. Thanks a lot. And don't forget to review.

       Chapter two 

  Angel stared at Cordelia, in shock, she couldn't possibly know , what he and Buffy told each other about in that station , it was impossible of course a lot of things were in possible yet they happened .

"  How did you know? ' asked Angel still in shock. He wasn't planning on telling Cordelia what Buffy told him.

  Cordelia uncomfortable under his stare turned around and said " I had a vision", when she turned around and saw his questioning expression she said "of you and Ms.  Everything is about me talking in the hallway , I( know angel , what happened" she told him gently wondering  how would he take the news.

Angel uncomfortable where their conversation was going tried to change the subject " How?" he asked aren't you supposed to get visions of people in trouble I'm supposed to help ?"

" Well, yeah, but it isn't the first time it happened. So I figured TPTP have some great plan, but its no fun just show me the whole thing they have to give bit by bit. Plus this is an entire different story ,I mean when I saw that vision , I could feel all the emotions ." Said Cordelia, knowing perfectly he was changing the subject, but then again they would get back to it.

"What was the first vision?" asked Angel

"   Of you and Buffy standing here ,  you told Faith to go upstairs , she went Buffy wanted to follow her , you grabbed her arm , she hit you and on a reflex you  hit her back"

  " Oh " said Angel .He suddenly felt a need to sit down.

 Cordelia knelt down beside him and said " Angel, since I came to L. A you have been looking out for me, we went through so much this past year ,But no matter what you were there you helped me when I needed you ,no questions asked , and you didn't hold against me about the person I was back in Sunnyhell . We are family. I want you to know that I m here for you no matter what. That you can share. Angel it hurts me to see like this , that she could hurt you so much . you should have told me what happened , I thought you got the memo from the day that you took back , and didn't tell me about ." 

 After seeing Angel's alarmed face she said, " Doyle told me. Angel I thought we agreed secrets were bad. How can we help each other if we keep secrets?, besides you can not move on , or deal with the pain Angel if you hold it inside of you . lock it up . To deal you have to talk , to share "

 Angel looked at her and said " It  just hurt me to hear her say it . I mean I left her so she could have a normal relationship , I took back that day so she would live . I knew it would happen , I just never expected it to hurt this much . And you know what hurt me the most That  she implied that she didn't trust me when we were together . I didn't expect her not to move on , I just never expected her to rub it in my face "  

     His voice wasn't steady , you could hear the pain ,the hurt , and again the

   Anger towards Buffy Summers resurfaced.   Angel Investigations were family. Her family her , Angel ,(Doyle ), even Wesley , And Cordelia Chase be damned if she would  let some selfish ,it's all about me bitch hurt any of them . 

  " I know Angel , but it will get better , I promise , starting with finding a way to get of loophole in your soul ' said Cordelia determined to help Angel .

" You sit here , gather everything you found out , I'M goanna go bring Wesley , tell him what we are doing , I mean after all his good in the book area . And come back ok .?" When Angel nodded Cordelia went upstairs' to fill in Wesley.

   Angel , Cordelia , and Wesley were sitting downstairs discussing the curse ,   after Cordelia filled Wesley in , and they came down stairs Angel told them   that he found a spell , but there were few difficulties .Like say someone strong   had to perform it , someone magically strong .

    When first when Cordelia suggested asking Willow, Angel didn't even want to hear it.

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   "  The spell guarantees to work, there are just a few difficulties" said Angel.

"What kind of difficulties are we talking about?" asked Cordelia worriedly .

"Yes , Angel .Do tell" said Wesley .

" Well first of all someone magically strong has to perform it. Someone with magical connection ." answered Angel ,

"And the other ?" asked Wesley .

" Few trial" said Angel at seeing Cordelias expression he added, "Nothing I can't handle, any way I am not worried about the trials ,I am more worried about who can perform the spell , someone we can trust , and someone fitting for the position"

 After thinking about it , Cordelia said "What about Willow , I mean , she strong . Magically strong, plus I know we can trust her" she said with a smile. However it disappeared when Angel simply said "No"

Cordelia looked at him as though he's gone insane " What do you mean 'No', Willow strong magically strong, she got all the qualities we need ."

Angel looked at her and said " I mean we will find someone else, or another way, I don't want anyone in SunnyDale to know" 

Figuring it out Cordelia said, "You mean you don't want Buffy to know"

Angel just looked at her ,that was more than enough of an answer for her .

  That was  hours ago , since then they  have been over  100 maybe more books , and came up with nada , zero , Zippo.

Finally Cordelia said " You know what we are all tired , its late . we should all get some sleep . and tomorrow we can figure things out , with a bright , rested brain .

When neither Angel nor Wesley protested, she got up and said " Good Ill see you two in the morning , and Angel I promise we will figure this out"

Angel smiled at her and said "thanks Cordy."

When Cordelia got to her apartment first thing she did was  pick up a phone , and call a number . Angel may be angry at her first but he would thank her later. 

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So what do you guys think? Review please, and I promise to update with in a few days. Please review. Thanks. Bye 

  And oh by the Way if you are wondering if this is going to be BA .I'm goanna ask you a question.: Do you believe in soul mates ? Need I say more. J  And oh I forgot to say thanks to Angel for review.


	4. Author's note

I just want to say I am not giving up on this story. I repeat I will not give up on this story .the reason I am telling you this is because, I may not update for a while. I have an important test coming up in the end of October, that is too important to fail, and well all my energy goes toward that test, and I don't want to write in a rush, so as soon as get over with that test, I am goanna continue on this fic.  
  
Also, I would like to say for the future notice that my native language is not English, so I'm sorry if there were grammar mistakes in previous chapters, and That I am in a DESPERATE NEED OF A BETTA READER, so if anyone interested e-mail me on x_identity@yhaoo.com 


	5. Chapter four

A/N : Hi sorry it took so long to update. But like I said had to take a test, and I did so now I will update more often. Thank you to everyone who reviewed. It means a lot to me.

A/N : I am not sure if during Sanctuary Tara and Willow were an item or were still just friends. In my universe they are just friends . . . I am not sure if I want Willow and Tara together or with different pairings. So review and tell me what you would like to see. Well anyway Cordelia met Tara when she was in the hospital in a Sunnydale after Lovers Walk .Cordelia doesn't know that Tara is connected to the Scooby gang now . 

A/N : Thank to my betta reader alexandra .

  
  


Chapter One : The trial .

"Hello Tara." said Cordelia .She knew that she was taking a hell of a risk by calling someone from Sunnydale. After all Angel made it perfectly clear that he didn't want anyone from Sunnydale knowing about his plans -meaning Buffy. Cordelia understood where he was coming from, she could still feel his pain at his ex words .Still Cordelia was kind of surprised about the way Angel acted instead of doing nothing but brooding -and honestly Cordelia liked it. She could definitely get used to this Angel.

"Cordy is that you?" asked Tara .

"Yeah,it's me. How are you?" asked Cordelia . Her and Tara met at the hospital after Xander cheated on her. They became close friends ,and after Cordelia moved to L.A. and Tara stayed in Sunnydale they still stayed in touch .

" I'm good. Its been a long time. How are you?" replied Tara .

" I'm good. Working with a vampire with a soul/private investigator on the super natural. Oh and I now have visions. Flashes from the P.T.B of people in trouble that my boss needs to save or help. But anyway how is college life? Still practicing Wicca? " asked Cordelia trying to find right time to ask Tara .

"College is good and yeah I still practice Wicca. Cordelia how can I help you?" asked Tara knowing her friend needed her help .

"You know me too well don't you?" said Cordelia with a chuckle .

" Ok, here's the deal. Remember I told you, I worked with a vampire with a soul?" asked Cordy 

" Yeah" replied Tara 

" Well he was cursed by gypsies, hundred or so years ago. The problem is the curse has a loophole. He cant ever feel true and perfect happiness if he does ,he'll lose his soul and believe me we don't want that to happen. There is little that is worse than Angelus, Angel's alter ego ." concluded Cordelia .

" I understand Cor. But how can I help you?" Asked Tara .

" Well," said Cordelia "Angel decided to get rid of the loophole. We found a spell, well more like a spell for the trial and we need some one strong in magic to cast it. I was wondering if you could do it?" Cordelia asked.

After a moment of thought Tara replied " Yeah. I'll help you, just tell me when"

"Thank God " Cordelia breathed a sign of relief. "The sooner the better " she said answering Tara's question.

"I'll tell you what " said Tara " I can be in L.A. tomorrow around twelve pm. Just tell me where to meet you."

" Oh. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much this means to me. I own you one "

After Tara and Cordelia exchanged the needed information and a small chit chat, the girls hung up and Cordelia went to sleep. She already knew that tomorrow would be a hard day.

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Next day when Cordelia came to the office she found Angel sleeping in his office. Not wanting to disturb him yet Cordelia closed the door, and quietly busied herself around the office . 

After a while Angel came out of his office. His clothes were wrinkled, and his eyes red after so little sleep after weeks of research .

"Hey " Angel greeted Cordy.

"Good morning " replied Cordelia 

"When did you come in? I didn't hear you " asked Angel 

.

" Oh, I was really quiet and not that long ago" said Cordelia 

"Oh-and-by-the-way-i-called-a-friend-from-sunnyhell-to-help-with-the-spell-she-doesnt-know-the-scooby-gang-or-anyone-who-might-know-them-areyoum-ad?" said Cordelia on one breath so fast Angel almost didn't catch what she had said. 

Angel stood quiet for a few moments. He wasn't sure how to react to the new information, Angel didn't know how to feel. He loved Buffy so much, he left her so she could be with someone who could give her all the things he couldn't. He gave up his humanity so she could live and be happy even if it was with someone else, but he never expected her to rub it into his face. It had hurt him, and betrayed him, but the thing that stung the most was that she knew what she said would hurt him, she had said it to hurt him. He wanted to move on...like she did, or at least as much as he could. So was he mad at Cordelia? Well the answer was, as long as Buffy didn't know he was good, and he told Cordy so. Of course Cordy was glad .

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Tara arrived earlier than expected. She was shy and at the beginning uncomfortable, but as soon as discussion was involved with magic, that changed. By the time Wesley came they were already done. He had left again to get supplies for the spell. While he was out Wesley thought a lot about the previous year and a half that he had come to know Angel.

When he was in Sunnydale he thought of him nothing more but a vampire, who just so happened to be in a relationship with a slayer. He knew and admitted to himself that if back in Sunnydale, if he was given a choice of dusting Angel, he would have done it . But his perspectives changed since then, being fired by the Watchers Council, seeing how much Buffy cared for Angel, coming to L.A. as a rough demon hunter, being befriended by Angel and Cordelia changed him in the ways he never thought possible. Angel had become a dear friend to him and he wished that his friend would find some resemblance to peace .

They agreed to do the spell the next day, after everyone got some rest and sleep, especially Angel who would have to go through trials, and Tara who had some serious mojo to do.

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Angel was in his bed, thinking, he couldn't help but think about the last couple of weeks. How his un-life had changed, since Buffy came to L.A., and since they had their argument. Buffy, she was the reason he was going to go through with the trial, to anchor his soul. He couldn't believe how things turned out between them. He couldn't believe things turned out this way, but then again many things didn't turn out the way he thought they would. His whole life or un-life for example, when he met Darla, when he got his soul for the first time, when he met Whistler, when Buffy and him took next step in their relationship, when he lost his soul after experiencing a moment of perfect happiness, having his soul restored for the second time, his time in a hell dimension, coming back, wanteing to kill himself, when he left Buffy,when he came to L.A. and met Doyle (Rest in peace Glenn Quinn) meeting Cordelia again, having a purpose for helping the helpless, him turning human and then giving up so Buffy would live, and now he could add Buffy and his relationship to the list. He always thought they would at least have friendly relationship, maybe be friends suddenly words once spoken by Spike came into his mind .

_"You're not friends you'll never be friends . You'll love and shag and you'll hate each other 'till it makes you quiver ,but you will never be friends . Love isn't brains children ,its blood screaming inside of you to work it's will ." _

Angel never realized how accurately those words described Buffy and him. Funny, he always thought that if he ever could make his soul permanent it would be because of Buffy. Well he was right, he was anchoring his soul because of her, but not for the reasons he thought he would H e made it his goal to make his soul permanent, because of what she told him, how much she hurt him. Those words still rang in his mind.

_ "You know what makes it different? I trust him , I know him."_

Angel wanted to laugh histericly and at the same time cry his heart out . Angel fell asleep thinking about the irony of the situation .

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The next day everyone was back in the office, bright and early in the morning. Tara looked concentrated on the spell, while Angel looked relaxed, to the strangers eyes, but those who knew him could see that he was still hurting. The first part of the morning was spent preparing the spell (Tara, and Wesley ), while Angel was in his office, "reading" the book where Buffys picture was, that's when Cordelia came in .

"Hey" Cordelia said.

"Hey" Angel replied while closing his book.

C: "How are you?" 

A : "Fine " 

Angel knew what she wanted to talk about, but he didn't want to talk about that something. He had a feeling that Cordelia wouldn't leave him alone if he told her that.

C : " Define the word fine "

A : "Fine as in I don't want to talk about it " 

C : "Sure you don't " 

A : "So your not going to leave me alone are you?" Angel asked with a small smile on his face .

C : " Not a chance " said Cordelia returning his smile, with her own .

A: "I can't convince you?" asked Angel 

C : "Give it up Mister " said Cordelia smirking .

Angel chuckled. Cordelia fully came into the office and sat down .

"So, what do you want to know ?" asked Angel .

"Nothing " Cordelia replied standing up and walking around the room .

Angel gave her a look, that said _I don't believe you ._

" Okay, Okay " said Cordelia as she rolled her eyes. 

" I just wanted make sure that you want to do this. I mean we can always find another spell, and if we don't we always have this one. I'm sure Tara wouldn't mind - -"

Cordelia was cut short by Angel " I'm sure "

"I just don't want you to get hurt " said a worried Cordelia

" I know," said Angel "and I wont " Angel sais assuring her. Cordelia nodded, excepting his answer even though she knew that he couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't get hurt .

"Just tell me one thing and be honest . Why do you want to make your soul permanent I mean I get why now, but I have a feeling that there is more to the reason than what she told you in the station " asked Cordelia 

Cordelia picked up the book that Angel had in his hands few minutes ago and started flipping through it.

Angel sighed. "You're right there is more to it, than her last visit." Cordelia looked him in the eyes prompting him to continue.

" Cordy" said Angel " For 100 years I brought destruction wherever I went. then for 100 years I seized to exit, crazed, maddened with guilt. Then I met her " 

Cordelia sat quietly listening . 

"She was my light, my sun. I never felt anything like it. In my 245 years I had loved only one woman. I loved her so much, I lost my soul." Said Angel in a horse voice. Continuing he said

"Even after 500 hundreds years in Hell, I still loved her. I remembered her long after I forgot myself. When I left her, in Sunnydale, it felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest, thrown across the room and broken into hundred pieces." He took an unneeded breath before he continued "What she told me at the station was like a knife in my back. God knows how much it hurt to hear her say those things." Angel chuckled "but she knew how much those things she said would hurt me, and that why she said it "

Angel closed his eyes before continuing "But I never stopped loving her. Never. Not even for a second. No matter how angry or mad I was at her or how much she had hurt me with her words. God even when I w as Angelus I felt for her."

Cordelia looked at him I shock, her mouth hanging open, eyes blinking . "What?" she asked in disbelieve .

Angel looked at her and said "Cordelia, did you ever wonder, why Angelus never took the next step with her, then suddenly decided to suck the world into hell?" 

Cordelia shook her head "Angel, what's your point ?" she asked 

"My point is," said Angel "Even Angelus loved her in his own twisted way, and he hated it. The way it made him feel." 

"So then why was he so much with the stalking and all?"

"Like I said he loved her, but he hated the feeling. He hated even the idea of it, but yet he didn't want to kill her. If he did he could have done it a million times, her bedroom at night for example, but he didn't because he wanted to break her, not kill her, and when he couldn't he decided to end the world"

Angel could feel guilt wash over him as he talked about what happened when he lost his soul, added with Angelus's rage at Angels words, and that he was actually telling them to somebody .

Cordelia looked at him and then asked "Angel can I ask you a question?" when Angel nodded she asked "Why did you live not the popular version, but the real reason?"

Angel signed , closed his eyes and then said "Her mother, she came to the mansion and told me that there were some hard decisions ahead, and that I would have to make them, she said that she just hoped I loved Buffy enough to make them."

"So basically she told you to leave Buffy ." Cordelia replied

Angel nodded and whispered "Yeah." 

"But what about the other reason?" asked Cordelia 

"We were close to losing control. Too close. We could have kidded ourselves all we wanted, but facts are facts it would have happened."

Cordelia nodded in understanding "But why didn't you do the spell then?" she asked 

Angel shrugged "I thought about it, but I couldn't do it at that time. This spell is for the warriors of the light, warriors to the powers that be"

"So why now?" 

"Its time for me to move on " answered Angel.

Cordelia nodded, and opened the book, to the part where she knew Buffy's picture was .

She looked at the picture then into Angels eyes.

"But to move on you have you have to let go of the past. Not to stop caring, not to forget it, just don't let it hold you back. Let it be what it is the past past, to move on you just have to let go." she said in a quiet voice .

She put the book with the picture back, from where she took it. Cordelia looked at angel one more time before she left the office .

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A/N So what do you think ? Part two coming soon . The more review the sooner you have . 

I just wanted to thank everyone who reviewed this story so far .Thank you ,for your support and I appreciate all your idea and suggestions , I will try to use a much of them as I can in this story . For those of you who read my other story I luv u , I try not to but I cant stop . It seems that I hit an authors block , I have ideas for the story but it seems that I just cant write confrontation between scoobies and Buffy and buffys mother , so if you have any suggestions please e-mail me .thanks don't forget to review .My e-mail is x_identaty@yahoo.com . 

----- Original Message ----- 

** From:** Lyaman Izm 

**To:** g2luvmeeh143@optonline.net 

**Sent:** Tuesday, December 02, 2003 6:32 PM

**Subject:** Hi its me , x_identaty , sorry it took me so long

hi its me , sorry took so long to write this chapter , but my life has been hectic and i was under a lottttttt of stress , but everything is starting to get back to normal and i will try write next chapter soon , anyway i got writers block on my other story so any ideas will help , and thnks a lot for proofing my stories 

x_identaty Thnks bye , Hope you like new chapter 

ps : i dint know if you wam=nted me to put your real name or ......for my betta reader , so put whoever you want to be know as .

A/N : Hi sorry it took so long to update. But like I said had to take a test, and I did so now I will update more often. Thank you to everyone who reviewed. It means a lot to me.

A/N : I am not sure if during Sanctuary Tara and Willow are an item or still just friends. In my universe they are just friends . . . I am not sure if I want Willow and Tara together or with different pairings. So review and tell me what you would like to see. Well anyway Cordelia met Tara when she was in the hospital in a sunny dale after Lovers Walk .Cordelia doesn't know that Tara is connected to Scooby gang now . 

A/N : Thank to my betta reader ----------- .

  
  


Chapter : The trial .

" Hello Tara" said Cordelia .She knew that she was taking a hell of a risk by calling someone from Sunny Dale .After all Angel mad it perfectly clear that he didn't want anyone from Sunny Dale knowing about his plans -meaning Buffy. Cordelia understood where he was coming from . She still could feel his pain at his ex words .Still Cordelia was kind of surprised about the way Angel acted instead of doing nothing but brooding -and honestly Cordelia liked it .she could defiantly get used to this Angel.

" Cordy is that you?" asked Tara .

" Yeah ,it's me . How are you?" asked Cordelia . Her and Tara met at the hospital after Xander cheated on her .They became close friends ,and after Cordelia moved to L.A. and Tara stayed in Sunny Dale they still stayed in touch .

" I'm good . Its been a long time . How are you ?" replied Tara .

" I'm good . Working with a vampire with a soul /private investigator on super natural .Oh and I now have visions . Flashes from the P.T.B of people in trouble that my boss needs to save or help. But anyway how is collage life ?Still practicing Wicca ? " asked Cordelia ,trying to find right time to ask Tara .

"Collage is good and yeah I still practice Wicca .Cordelia how can I help you?" asked Tara knowing her friend needed her help .

" You know me too well ,don't you ?" said Cordelia with a chuckle .

" O.k ,here is the deal .Remember I told you , I worked with a vampire with a soul ?" asked Cordy 

" Yeah" replied Tara 

" Well he was cursed by gypsies ,hundred or so years ago. The problem is ,the curse has a loophole . He cant ever fell true and perfect happiness if he does ,he will loose his soul and believe me we don't want that to happen . There is little that is worse than Angelus ,Angels alter ego ." concluded Cordelia .

" I understand Cor . But how can I help you ?" Asked Tara .

" Well" said Cordelia " Angel decided to get rid of the loophole .we found the spell , well more like a spell for the trial and we need some one strong in magic to cast it .I was wondering if you could do it?"

Asked Cordelia .

After a moment of thought Tara replied " Yeah . I'll help you ,just tell me when"

" Thank God " Cordelia breathed a sign of relief " The sooner the better " she answered Tara's question .

" I'll tell you what " said Tara " I can be in L.A. tomorrow around twelve pm . Just tell me where to meet you ."

" Oh . Thank you so much . You have no idea how much this means to me . I own you one "

After Tara and Cordelia exchanged the needed information and a small chit chat The girls hung upland Cordelia went to sleep . She already knew that tomorrow would be a hard day .

* ___------------------------------------------------------------------------------------___*

Next day when Cordelia came to the office she found Angel sleeping in his office .Not wanting to disturb him yet , Cordelia closed the door ,and quietly busied herself around the office . 

After a while Angel came out of his office . His cloth were wrinkled and he had red eyes after so little sleep after weeks of research .

" Hey " Angel told Cordy .

" Good morning " replied Cordelia 

"When did you come in ? I didn't hear you " asked Angel 

.

" Oh , I was really quiet and not that long ago" said Cordelia 

"Ohandbythewayicoldafriendfromsunnyhelltohelpwiththespellshedoesntknowscoobygangoranyonewhomightknowthemareyoumad?" said Cordelia on one breath so fast Angel almost didn't catch what she

said . 

Angel stood quite for a few moments . He wasn't sure how to react to the new information .Angel didn't know how to feel . He loved Buffy so much . He left her so she could be with someone who could give her all the things he couldn't .He gave up his humanity so she could live and be happy even if it was with someone else .but he never expected her to rub it into his face . It hurt him ,betrayed him . But the thing that stung the most was that she knew what she said would hurt him , she said it to hurt him .He wanted to move on ... like she did . Or at list as much as he could .So was he mad at Cordelia ? Well the answer was as long as Buffy didn't know, he was good ,and he told Cordy so .She was glad .

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Tara arrived earlier than expected .She was shy and at the beginning uncomfortable ,but as soon as discussion was involved with magic ,that changed .By the time Wesley came they were already done . He was out to get supplies for the spell .While he was out Wesley thought a lot about previous year and a half he knew Angel .

When he was in Sunnydale he thought of him nothing more but a vampire ,who just so happened to be in a relationship with a slayer .He knew and admitted to himself that if back in Sunny dale he was given a choice of dusting Angel, he would have done it .But his perspectives changed since then .Being fired by the watchers council , seeing how much Buffy cared about Angel . Coming to L.A. as a rough demon hunter ,being befriended by Angel and Cordelia changed him in the ways he thought were impossible .Angel became dear friend to him and he wished that his friend would find some resemblance to piece .

They agreed to do the spell the next day ,after everyone would get some rest and sleep , especially Angel who would have to go through trials ,and Tara who has some serious mojo to do.

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Angel was in his bed , thinking ... He couldn't help , but think about the last couple of weeks. How his un life changed ,since Buffy came to L.A. , and their argument . Buffy ... she was the reason he was going to go through with the trial , to anchor his soul .He couldn't believe how things turned out between them .He couldn't believe things turned out this way , but then again many things didn't turn out the way he thought they would .His whole life was example : when he met Darla ,when he got his soul for the first time , when he met Whistler ,when Buffy and him took next step in their relationship ,when he lost his soul after experiencing a moment of perfect happiness ,getting his soul back for the second time , his time in hell , coming back , when he wanted to kill himself , when he left Buffy ,when he came to L.A. and met Doyle Rest in peace Glenn Quinn meeting Cordelia , having a purpose helping the helpless ,him turning human and then giving up so Buffy would live ,and now he could add Buffys and his relationship to the list .He always thought they would at least have friendly relationship ,maybe be friends suddenly words once spoken by Spike came into his mind .

_"You're not friends you'll never be friends . You'll love and shag and you'll hate each other 'till it makes you quiver ,but you will never be friends . Love isn't brains children ,its blood screaming inside of you to work it's will ." _

Angel never realized how accurately those words described Buffy and him .Funny . He always thought that if he ever would make his soul permanent it would be because of Buffy . Well he was right , he was anchoring his soul because of her ,just not for the reasons he thought he would .He made it his goal to make his soul permanent , because of what she told him , how much she hurt him . Those words still rang in his mind .

_ " You know what makes it different? I know him , I trust him."_

Angel wanted to laugh histericly and at the same time cry his heart out . Angel fell asleep thinking about the irony of the situation .

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The next day everyone was back in the office bright and early in the morning .Tara looked concentrated on the spell ,while Angel looked relaxed ,to the strangers eyes , but those who knew him could see that he was hurting still . The first part of the morning was spent preparing the spell (Tara , Wesley ) , while Angel was in his office , "reading" the book where Buffys picture was ,;when Cordelia came in .

C: "hey"

A: "Hey" said Angel closing the book .

C: " How are you ?" 

A : " Fine " 

Angel knew what she wanted to talk about , bot he didn't want to talk about that something , but he had a feeling that Cordelia wouldn't leave him alone if he told her that .

C : " Define ^Fine^ "

A : " Fine as in I don't want to talk about it " 

C : " Sure you don't " 

A : " So you are not going to leave me alone are you ?" Asked Angel with a small smile on his face .

C : " Not a chance " said Cordelia returning his smile , with her own .

A: ". You I can't convince you ?" asked Angel 

C : " Give it up Mister " said Cordelia smirking .

Angel chuckled .Cordelia fully came into the office and sat down .

A : " So , what do you want to know ?" asked Angel .

C : " Nothing " said Cordelia , standing up and walking around the room .

Angel gave her a look , — the that said _I don't believe you ._

C : " O.K. , O.K. " said Cordelia as she rolled her eyes ." I just wanted make sure that you want to do 

this .I mean we can always find another spell ,land if we don't we always have this one .I'm sure Tara wouldn't mind ......." 

Cordelia was cut short Angel said : " I'm sure "

C : " I just don't want you to get hurt " said Cordelia

A : " I know ," said Angel " and I wont " Cordelia nodded .excepting his answer even though she knew that he couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't get hurt .

C : "Just tell me one thing and be honest . Why do you want to make your soul permanent , I mean I get why now , but I have a feeling that there is more to the reason than what she told you in the station " asked Cordelia 

Cordelia picked up the book that Angel had in his hands few minutes ago and started flipping through it.

Angel signed . " You're right there is ore to it than her last visit ." Cordelia looked him in the eyes prompting him to continue .

A : " Cordy" said Angel " For 100 years I brought destruction wherever I went . Then for 100 years I seized to exit , Crazed- maddened with guilt .Then I met her " 

Cordelia sat quietly listening . 

A : " She was my light , my sun .I never felt anything like it . In my 245 years I loved only one woman . I loved her so much , I lost my soul ." Said Angel in a horse voice .

A : " Even after 500 hundreds years in Hell and I still , loved her . I remembered her long after I forgot myself . When I left her , in Sunnydale , it felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest , thrown across the room and broken into hundred pieces ." he took unneeded breath before he continued " what she told me at the station was like a knife to my back .God knows how much it hurt to hear her say those things ." Angel chuckled " but she knew how much what she said would hurt me , that why she said it "

Angel closed his eyes before continuing " But I never stopped loving her . Never .Not for a second . No matter how angry or mad I was at her , or how much hurt I was by her words .God even when I w as Angelus I felt for her "

Cordelia looked at him I shock , her mouth hanging open , eyes blinking . " What ? " she asked in disbelieve .

Angel looked at her and said " Cordelia , did you ever wonder , why Angelus never took the next step with her , then suddenly decided to suck the world in to hell ? " 

Cordelia shook her head " Angel what your point ?" she asked 

" my point is " said Angel "Even Angelus loved her in his own twisted way . And he hated it , the way it made him feel " 

" So then why was he so much with the stalking and all ?"

"Like I said he loved her , but he hated the feeling , he hated even idea of it , but yet he didn't want to kill her , if he did he could have done it a million times . Her bedroom at night for example , but he didn't because he wanted to brake her , not kill her , and when he couldn't he decided to end the world"

Angel could feel guilt wash over him as he talked about what happened when he lost his soul , added with Angeluses rage at Angels words and that he was actually telling them to somebody .

Cordelia looked at him and then asked " Angel can I ask you a question ?" when Angel nodded she asked " Why did you live not the popular version , but the real reason ?"

Angel signed , closed his eyes and then said " her mother , she came to the mansion and told me that there some hard decisions ahead and that I would have to make them , she said that she just hoped I loved Buffy enough to make them "

So basically she told you to leave Buffy " said Cordelia 

Angel nodded and whispered " Yeah " 

"But what the other reason " asked Cordelia 

" we were close to losing control . Too close . We could have kidded ourselves all we wanted but facts are facts it would have happened "

Cordelia nodded in understanding . " But why didn't you do the spell then ? " she asked 

Angel shrugged " I thought about it , but I couldn't do it at that time . This spell weir enough I s for the warriors of the light , warriors to the powers that be "

"So why now ? " 

" Its time for me to move on " answered Angel .

Cordelia nodded ,and opened the book , to the part where she knew Buffys picture was .

She looked at the picture then into Angels eyes .

" But to move on you have you have to let go of the past . Not to stop caring ,not to forget it ,just not let it hold you back , let it be what it is past .to move on you have to let go " she said in a quiet voice .

She put the book with the picture back , from where she took it , looked at angel one more time before she left the office .

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A/N So what do you think ? Part two coming soon . The more review the sooner you have . 

I just wanted to thank everyone who reviewed this story so far .Thank you ,for your support and I appreciate all your idea and suggestions , I will try to use a much of them as I can in this story . For those of you who read my other story I luv u , I try not to but I cant stop . It seems that I hit an authors block , I have ideas for the story but it seems that I just cant write confrontation between scoobies and Buffy and buffys mother , so if you have any suggestions please e-mail me .thanks don't forget to review .My e-mail is x_identaty@yahoo.com . 


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